Wayward Souls
by XanderB
Summary: Heero and Duo's relationship is nothing more than a sham. Duo loves Heero more than anything, but Heero has no idea what he wants or how to be a lover to the one he loves. Hell he doesn't even know what love is, let alone how to show it .
1. Entry 1: Like a Practiced Whore

Wayward Souls

Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, possible violence, Heero POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc...

Disclaimer: I own nothing. God, I wish I did.

Author's note: I am writing this as a warning to any who are brave enough to read on, Heero is an asshole in this first entry and probably will be for some time. He may or may not get better, but it is all part of the winding plot. I'd appreciate if you would read on, but I am warning you now that it will be dark and very angsty.

Entry 1: Like a Practiced Whore

(Heero POV)

"Take me away," the command was so soft, hardly more than a breath; it was more of a question really.

"To where?" I replied in question, staring at his darkly silhouetted figure standing in front of the curtainless windowsill. He shrugged his slim shoulders in a sign of nonchalance or perhaps indecision.

"Anywhere you like," he elaborated, still gazing solemnly with dull-lit indigo irises up at the cloudy midnight sky. There were no stars, or at least it seemed that way, the light pollution of the bustling city casting a sickly orange hue up into the sky. I watched him silently, taking in the slumped shoulders of his broken form, the hollowness of his eyes.

"I can't," I said after a few moments of quiet scrutiny, "I'm not even supposed to be here at all," I continued in soft monotone. I can almost hear the tinkling of the shards of his delicate heart falling to the ground as the helpless organ breaks apart a little more. A silent tear escapes from the corner of one glittering eye, the lonely droplet sliding slowly over a too pale cheekbone. I knew that it was my fault that the tear had fallen, that it was my fault for his loneliness and the shattering of his tattered soul.

"Why?" he inquired lowly, his normally melodic voice shaking with the effort of holding back the rest of his salty tears. He already knew the answer to his own question. He'd asked the same one a thousand times before and the answer never changed. I'd told him the same words, the same reasons over and over again, but I wasn't angry when I repeated them each time.

"You know why," I replied simply, not repeating the worn out explanation for once. I gazed at him, his face shadowed within the low light of the dingy room we stood in, a different, but similar room to all the others before it. So many times, I had met him like this, hiding him away like some kind of dirty little secret. I was pathetic, more pathetic than any other I'd ever met. I couldn't even bring myself to give him a proper answer.

"It's not fair," he whispered, his voice barely there at all now as he pressed his fingertips lightly to the cold window pane, his glistening teardrop plummeting to the filthy windowsill with a gentle patter. I reached out to touch his bare shoulder, his ever-bound hair pulled over it and dangling over his lithe chest. He was too thin, his bones prominent beneath the smooth ivory skin. Goosebumps rose over the unblemished flesh as my warm hand closed on the bony shoulder. He shifted away.

"Don't," he said, his voice forced frigid as he spoke the lone command. I reached for him again, not heeding the soft demand. I wrapped my muscled arms around the far too slight waist, my tan skin clashing with the whiteness of his own. He shivered, but didn't pull away. I could see his heart-shaped face in the reflective window pane. His eyes were downcast on the melancholy street below and his lips were chapped as he bit his bottom one harshly.

"Please don't do this," he pleaded, full-well knowing that he would give in to me. Even as he struggled, he knew that he'd cater to my whims; he always did. I turned him within the unbreakable circle of my embrace. His beautifully unique eyes were closed, glimmering silver tears clung to the long, sooty lashes rimming his closed eyelids and drops trekked winding paths down his cheeks freely, no longer held back by his desperate efforts to keep them from me.

He didn't want to let me see his emotion, his weakness; he didn't want to admit it to himself. He gave into me after mere seconds, letting his smaller form mold to mine easily, familiarly. I lowered my lips to his dry ones, figuring that he was willing enough. He shuddered, his eyes tightening as he cried noiselessly into our shared kiss. The salt from his tears lingered on my tongue as I lapped at his mouth, forcing my way inside even as he opened the cavern to grant me reluctant access.

I felt my body heat as his tongue twined with mine inside his moist mouth. I nearly groaned, pressing him into the closed window roughly. He grunted in discomfort, but made no complaint, giving me complete control over him. I should have felt awful for it; I should have felt like some kind of monster for using him the way I did, for forcing him to accommodate my needs. I didn't feel anything, but his warmth and the press of his frame to mine, such a perfect fit. I wanted him again, just like all the other times before this, all the other faded rooms with their dirty windows and harsh outside lighting, their stained sheets and cracked bathroom tiles. Cheap rooms in cheap motels where no one would care to see who I was or who I met there, where no one would ask unwanted questions. I should have felt cheap, but I just felt him.

Somewhere deep within my mind, I knew that I shouldn't have been treating him this way, that he deserved so much better, but I buried those thoughts. I refused to be guilty for wanting him like this, for destroying him like I was every time I saw him. I was sure that he loved me too much to stop me. I was certain he wanted me just as badly. He would never turn me away. I knew it and I exploited it. It was so easy, so simple to fool myself into believing that he would be fine, that he could get over the things I did to him, that he could move on one I was finished. I was so foolish to think that I would be finished with him. I was never done with him. I always told myself each time would be the last, but it never was. I always craved him again.

I'd wait, denying myself for weeks, months even until I couldn't stop myself anymore, giving in to my primal urges and seeking him out. He always moved around, trying to lose me, I suppose, but I was too good. I always found him. I had too many connections that he couldn't outrun me forever. And every time I showed up at his door, his eyes would fade a little more, but the guilt wouldn't come, my mind too fogged with lust for him. He'd let me in and the cycle would begin all over again. It was always the same. He ran and I chased after him. Always.

I had her too, just where I wanted her. She wouldn't ask; she was so naive, so easy to lie to. She didn't even suspect where I went or what I did, so sure that I belonged to her, that I was so in love with her. Somewhere in my mind, a little voice would tell me how sick I must be for doing this to the both of them, but it was the only way to protect her absolutely and he would never leave me. He was bound to me; he'd never escape me completely. Relena needed the protection and I was obligated to give it to her. It only seemed right that I be her knight in shining armor. She seemed to think so too. Besides, I justified, I needed the release that he provided. I couldn't very well have my way with her, so he was a suitable substitute, at least that's what I deluded myself into believing.

I finally pulled away from his intoxicating lips, breaking only briefly for breath. I could see the depression in his gaze and I knew that I was the sole cause of it, but I ignored the obvious, opting to kiss him again instead. I refused to acknowledge the anguish in his indigo depths, closing my own Prussian eyes to block out the emotion pouring from his.

His hands on my chest pushed me back, breaking the lip lock again forcefully. He didn't retreat from my viselike embrace, but held my mouth back from closing over his once more. "Heero, you should go. Your princess will be waiting for you. Won't she be angry if you come home late again?" his voice was breathless and his lips were red and swollen from my brutal kiss as he spoke to me, trying to reason with me. He knew how to use her against me. I growled, but refused to let him go.

She would be waiting, but I hadn't told her how long I'd be out for. She wouldn't worry and she wouldn't ask when I made it home to her, as long as I wasn't gone too long, maybe only a few hours. That would be enough time to get what I wanted from him, what I'd come here for in the first place.

I moved in, trying to kiss him again. He pushed me away once more, desperately hoping to deter me. It was not going to work. I had made up my mind when he'd opened the door, looking bedraggled and completely lovely at the late hour. I licked my lips hungrily, remembering. His brows furrowed. I pressed closer, thrusting him back against the window painfully. He winced.

"Heero stop. Please go, just go," his panicked voice only served to pique my arousal as I continued to pin him to the unforgiving glass. I leaned in, nipping his pale neck, up to his set jaw, tasting his sweat, the salty tang exciting me all the more. I wanted him something fierce, more so than I thought should be physically possible.

He and I both knew what was going to happen. We both knew where it would lead and we both knew that he would fight me only briefly. When he twisted out of my loose grip, I was prepared for it, grabbing him and slamming him back into the window, the elderly glass shuddering in its grungy frame. I smirked wolfishly at him, his eyes filling with trepidation and unhindered pain. He was trapped. He struggled in my arms futilely, fighting me until his strength waned, taking his will with it. He favored his left shoulder a bit, probably pulled something when I'd shoved him into the window again. He breathed heavily, nearly panting.

His body went limp finally as he gave in fully. I'd won. He submitted himself to me in that moment and I took him. I yanked his flimsy pajama pants off his hips, letting them drop to the floor, pooling around his ankles and leaving him completely bare to my gaze. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. My cock was so hard, it had begun to ache and I wanted him. He shivered with his back against the chill glass. I pinned him there, biting his neck and collarbone roughly, leaving angry red markings along the soft flesh. I kissed him harshly, meshing our lips together brutally. He groaned in half-pain, half-pleasure.

I forced him to step out of his abandoned pajama bottoms, spreading his milky thighs impatiently and making him tiptoe to seat himself partially on the dirty wood of the outcropping windowsill. He hissed at the coldness of it, but didn't complain, letting me guide him into the position I wanted. He was so pliable, like a doll. I really should have felt guilty at that point, but lust can blind even the most observant of us. He let me spread him like a practiced whore which I knew he was and I stepped between his open legs, the smoothness of them rubbing against my nude midriff, having already begun pulling my shirt off. I tossed the offensive garment across the room carelessly before unzipping my blue jeans and letting them fall halfway down my muscular thighs.

I convinced myself that he wanted this as much as I did while I spit on my hand and lubed my dick with the slick saliva. I hardly had time to think of anything better to use, assuming he'd still be stretched from his earlier customers. It wasn't like I was the only one he let fuck him; I just happened to be the only one he didn't charge. I wondered idly why that was.

I pushed the thought to the back of my mind as I positioned my erection at his entrance, uncaring of whether he was ready or not before thrusting inside of him. He yelped, his bare legs tightening about my waist compulsively. I hilted myself fully, the makeshift lubricant barely giving any leeway as my cock filled the tightness that shouldn't have been possible in a profession like his. He panted, his breathes coming in ragged gasps, his eyes screwed shut and his bottom lip held between his white teeth. I moaned just looking at him, even with great fat tears beginning to roll down his flushed face, he was breathtaking.

I thrust into him, disregarding his obvious discomfort and plowing forward, my fingers digging into his hips, bruising him easily. He cried out loudly, the tears still falling in transparent rivulets down his cheeks. I panted, pushing in and out of the tight channel roughly. He didn't waste much time bucking back against me, the tip of my penis brushing over his prostate repeatedly, even with the pain of my intrusion into him. He moaned, his hands curling into my hair, twisting the strands around his fingers. I wondered if he moaned like this for his customers. It made me furious thinking that he might.

It didn't take long for my climax to reach its peak, I shoved in as deeply as I could, wrapping a fist around his pulsing cock. He opened his lust-filled eyes, near violet with arousal. "Please don't," he begged breathlessly. I didn't listen, stroking him in time with my now shallow thrusting, pulling him closer to the brink with me. Merely seconds passed before he was moaning out and trying to stifle it behind bitten lips. His heated semen shot up onto his stomach and over my hand. I grinned triumphantly before groaning with the impact of my own orgasm, coating his insides with sticky, pearly ejaculation.

I pulled away just moments later, letting my now flaccid penis slip from his body followed by a string of white sperm which slid sluggishly down his thighs. He stood shakily as I pulled my jeans back up, tucking my cock back inside their confines and searching around in the dim light for my earlier discarded shirt. I found it and pulled it on quickly, sparing him a glance.

He shuddered in the aftermath of our fucking, a translucent sheen of sweat covering his skin as his body quivered, bruises already forming on his hips, thighs and buttocks. I smiled, proud of the marks I'd marred him with. He didn't look at me, his beautifully broken eyes cast to the dingy carpet below his feet. Bloody semen leaked down his legs; I'd obviously been just a little to forceful with him than I should have been, but I didn't apologize. It's not like he hadn't enjoyed himself after all.

"Why? Why do you do this to me Heero?" he murmured just under his breath, his voice cracking with emotion, unshed tears glimmering in the blue-violet depths as he stared at the ground.

I didn't answer him, letting the repercussions of what I'd just done sink in. He just stood there by the window, trembling with his arms hugging his own slim torso. I didn't even look back at him as I moved towards the door, already regretting what had happened, but still feeling sated anyway. This part was the worst. The guilt was setting in and I'd need time to convince myself and justify the events in my mind. I pulled my shoes back on swiftly and placed a hand on the door handle, preparing myself to leave once again. I breathed a sigh, smelling the pungent odor of sex and sweat and the coppery tang of what had to be his blood.

It had happened again. I'd raped him so easily. He hadn't even fought me hard this time. I pushed the regret to the back of my thoughts, turning half-way to peer at his hunched form, still standing silhouetted by the naked window. "Goodbye Duo," I spoke quietly, turning the handle and opening the door with a drawn out creak. I hardly heard what came from his lips next.

"I hate you," it was barely more than a whisper, a sigh of heated breath, but it was there and I ignored it, letting the door close with a soft snick behind me as I went.

As Heero walked out the splintered door of the seedy motel room, he failed to see the long-haired boy collapse to the ground, his shoulders shaking with sorrowful sobs, his hands coming up to cover his sallow face. He hated the one he loved and there was nothing left to be done, but cry himself to sleep again.

TBC...

Reviews are always appreciated. I'd like some feedback on this one. I know how awful I've made Heero out to be, but it'll all work out in the end, I think.

Angel


	2. Entry 2: Like a Well Oiled Machine

Wayward Souls

Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, possible violence, Duo POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc...

Entry 2: Like a Well-Oiled Machine

(Duo)

I sat on the frigid cold floor for what could have been hours, not really knowing or caring how long exactly. I sobbed wretchedly on the floor below the window, my hands over my damp face, hiding away my shame. How could I keep letting him do this to me? I didn't know why it was so hard to stop him, not that I was strong enough to actually force him off of me, but I couldn't understand why my body betrayed me the way it did. It always reacted to his brutal touch, craving it even. I felt sick.

I stood up on shaky legs, wincing at the twinge of burning pain in my backside, the small of my back aching with bruising. I sighed heavily, gritting my teeth against the obvious pain that radiated from my lower body. He'd raped me. Wasn't that what they called it when someone fucked you without your permission? Not that anyone would believe it if I told them, especially not when my body shuddered in anticipation of his touch like some rutting slut.

I stumbled towards the seedy bathroom, closing the door as much as it would allow, not actually clicking shut properly. I groaned as I looked at my reflection in the cracked and filthy mirror. My hair was hardly held within the confines of my plait and my eyes looked bloodshot from my tears, red-rimmed and puffy, my neck and shoulder littered with bite marks and hideous burgundy hickies. I looked away angrily, not wanting to see the evidence of him on me.

I leaned over and turned the shower on, the water sputtering indignantly for a few moments before turning on fully, the water spraying sporadically out of the rusted shower head. I hissed as I stepped beneath the chilly onslaught as it gradually warmed up. Stupid old pipes! I cursed inwardly as I stood shivering. The remains of his sticky semen mixed with my blood ran down the insides of my thighs and slid into the drain in a milky, pinkish stream.

I closed my eyes against the sight of it, the evidence being to much to handle. I scrubbed at my skin furiously, hoping to get the feel of his lingering hands off of me and the smell of his sweat. God damn him. I hated him and I loved him. I wished he'd just leave me be. He had her now, why couldn't he just let me go?

I'd loved Heero for ages, developing the crush when we'd first met during the war a few years ago. And at eighteen I still loved him, the crush had developed into so much more. It was so complex and so fucked up now. I hated what he did to me and I hated it even more that I let him do it. How could I let him do the awful things he did to me. I didn't comprehend why he even needed to. He had gone with Relena and he had stayed with her. I didn't get why he couldn't stop seeing me, tracking me down and ruining me the way he did. I figured he must have been some kind of sadistic bastard, just loving to watch me break.

And every time I thought he'd finally be gone for good, after months of not hearing from him or seeing him, he'd just show up out of the blue. I'd wake up to the pounding on my door and thinking it was a customer or a disgruntled friend, I'd answer the damn thing. There he'd be, standing before me in my doorway looking lost and desperate. I'd even move around in hopes of losing him. Every time he came to me, he told me it'd be the last time, like he actually believed it would be and I believed him. God knows why I believed him, but I did. And I'd think, 'Thank God.' But then just weeks or even months later he'd return, hoping for another quick roll in the hay.

I was pathetic. I was a whore, a prostitute and I didn't even charge the bastard for the things he did to me. I damn well should have too. Half of my johns weren't even as rough as him. I unraveled my hair as I thought about it. I hadn't wanted things to turn out like this, hell I hadn't even thought they could turn out like this. I always assumed we'd just stay together, the five of us after the war had ended, but I was naive. I knew it.

I struggled to untangle the knots that had formed throughout my long hair and not for the first time, I contemplated ripping it all out of my head. I couldn't stand myself. How was it that I had fallen so completely low? How had I lost all contact with the ones I called friends, the ones I'd trusted with my life? And how in the hell had the one I'd called my partner end up raping me on a regular basis?

The questions were not easily answered and it wasn't the first time I had asked myself them. In fact, I asked them pretty frequently, almost daily. I turned off the spray and stepped out, dripping water carelessly over the grimy tiled floor of the tiny bathroom before making my way back out into the dank room. I tried to hold my breath, refusing to breath in the aroma of sex and Heero. My stomach turned as I failed miserably, inhaling a deep breath. "I hate you," I repeated even though he was long gone, seeing Heero's forgotten wallet laying on the floor by the bed. I laughed bitterly to myself. That meant he'd be back again soon.

I shook my head, dressing in a ragged t-shirt and a pair of worn out black jeans that were faded to a dark gray with the knees ripped out and a hole in the back pocket. I sighed, bending over stiffly, my abdomen rebelling against the movement painfully, to pick up the brown leather wallet from my dirty carpeted floor. I rifled through it, perusing Heero's various cards and Ids. I gave another huff of hot air as I browsed his money compartment, the bills catching my eye. He wouldn't miss a few, I decided before delving in and taking out a couple hundreds.

I grinned. It served the asshole right for leaving the damn thing hear in the first place. Besides, I figured he owed me. I moved awkwardly through the room, picking up one boot by the bed and the other by the door before yanking them on and grabbing my keys, shoving them into my pocket with the bills. I headed out the door, locking it behind myself, leaving Heero's half-empty wallet on the night table. I took the stairs two at a time as I left.

I ambled out onto the lonely street, heading for the drug district instinctively. I needed a little pick me up now that Heero was gone. I stopped at a convenience store and picked up a pack of cigarettes before making my way to the familiar square of streets where the dealers and the junkies hung out. I searched for someone I recognized, only having to look for a few minutes before picking Randy out of the alleyway. He stood under the orange light of a flickering street lamp.

I walked towards him quickly, almost desperately. I wasn't some junky, but I needed it bad. I wondered what he'd have for me this time. I hoped it was something that would get me right fucked out of my mind, so I could forget for just a little bit. I was glad it was Randy; he always had good shit on him. Always. I smiled at him charmingly. Randy was a good dealer, not to mention he had a thing for me. He wasn't all that bad to look at really either. He was tall, probably like six foot at least and he had a pretty stocky build, muscular and all. He had pretty green eyes that spoke of life on the streets and nice lips with dirty sand-coloured hair that fell in jagged spikes around his face and neck.

He smirked as I came towards him. "Well, well, look what the gutter spit up this evening," he said good naturedly, looking me up and down, a hungry glint in his eyes. I grinned and shrugged.

"How's business Randy?" I asked, watching him and lowering my lashes sensually. Randy was an easy one to play. He shifted from one foot to the other.

"It's been good, but I've been lonely since you stopped comin' 'round," he answered, his eyes catching mine easily.

"What you got for me tonight Randy?" I questioned, glancing at his coat, knowing he must have his stash in the pockets. He shrugged one shoulder.

"That's a loaded question Angel. You know I got several things for you," he replied cheekily, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at me. I shook my head.

"I mean something that will make me fly," I elaborated impatiently. He smirked.

"I could take you flying baby, just say the word," he said laughingly. I chuckled as well.

"You try too hard, anyone ever told you that?" I questioned, raising a single cinnamon shaded brow at him.

"Never have to try this hard for anyone but you Angel," he answered, using my street name again. I shook my head once more, smiling.

"Yeah, yeah, so you say. So really, you got anything or what?" I asked bluntly, trying to get back on topic. Randy nodded.

"Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya'. You got cash?" he asked, watching my, his sea-green eyes focusing on my crotch indiscreetly. I snorted.

"Yeah, I do so pull your eyes back up to my face sweetheart," I replied, crossing my arms over my flat stomach.

"Aww, you're no fun Angel. When you gonna let me take you to heaven without this shit?" he inquired, pulling a little baggy of white powder from his coat pocket and waving it in front of me.

"Maybe when you are a paying customer," I answered, snatching the little bag from his fingers and looking at it in the light. "What is this? Coke?"

He nodded, "Yeah, fine cut too, not even laced with nothing. And what if I don't charge you nothing for this?" he said suggestively. I raised both brows. Cocaine that fine and pure wasn't cheap. Where did Randy get off giving it to me for free?

"What, you want to fuck me for just a bit of blow?" I reiterated, hoping to comprehend what a great deal it would be.

"Yeah. You interested Angel?" his voice was excited despite his best attempts to sound casual.

"Maybe," I said unsure if I should or shouldn't make the deal.

"Look Angel, you know I've been wanting your tail for months. I'll make you a deal. Whenever you want something to make you fly, I'll give it to you for free, you just let me have a little taste of you now and then. How's that sound?" he was quite the salesman, I thought as I looked him up and down.

"Whenever I want it?" I questioned skeptically. He nodded.

"Whenever you want baby," he agreed, putting out his hand. I nibbled my lip for a second in thought, weighing my options. Drugs weren't exactly easy to get a hold of for cheap, especially not the good stuff that Randy sold. I smiled after a moment and nodded my head. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up. I shook his hand.

"You got a deal blondie, but you can't play with me tonight," I said, gazing at the taller man in the dark blue coat. He cocked his head to the side.

"Why's that?" he asked curiously, stepping closer to me. I shrugged, standing my ground firmly.

"Well, I had a bit of a rough customer earlier. Give me two days to recuperate and you can come by," I answered simply as I dug into my coat for a scrap piece of paper and a pen. I ended up scribbling the address on a ripped piece of the cigarette package and handed it to the blond. He grinned wolfishly, lust swirling in the green depths of his eyes.

"Alright Angel, I'll see you then," he acknowledged. I nodded, bidding him a farewell with a wink.

I walked away from him, swaying a little, the cocaine tucked safely away in my pocket for when I got back home. I'd never tried it before, but I'd heard good things about it. I practically jogged, mind you a little oddly with the soreness in my ass, back to my motel room. I tried my damnedest not to think of Heero either, not that I succeeded.

When I got back to my place, it still smelled like his stupid cologne and the gunpowder scent that never seemed to leave him. I grumbled to myself as I turned on the lamp, taking off the shade so that it would be brighter and fining some kind off hard surface which ended up being a hardcover copy of the bible that was seemingly mandatory in every motel and hotel room. I used one of the laminated cards in Heero's wallet to separate the blow into lines and then I used the hollow tube from my pen to snort it off the good old book. My nose felt dry almost immediately and I rubbed it in irritation, but nothing happened at first. I packed up the rest of the coke back into the clear baggy and stuck it back in my front pocket.

It took almost fifteen minutes before I felt the drug take effect. I lit a cigarette, taking a drag and letting the poisonous smoke fill my lungs easily, enjoying the euphoria that had come over me thoroughly. My body felt numb, the anesthetic quality of the drug taking effect, my limbs tingling with every touch. It was an interesting and completely exciting experience. My skin felt like it was electric even as it itched slightly. My mind fogged, my thoughts muddled, meshing and mixing together in sparking contrast. I groaned in my euphoric state, my entire body feeling far too sensitive suddenly as the nicotine from the cigarette increased my high, making the cocaine more potent. I laid back on the single, rumpled bed in the corner of the room, my fingers running over my skin ticklishly, sending shivers through me. I was feeling way too damn good to notice much of anything as the hours ticked by.

By the time I came back to myself, it was halfway through the day and Heero still hadn't come for his wallet. I wondered idly if he had left it on purpose, so he'd have an excuse to come back, probably just so he could fuck me raw again. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, rubbing the heels of my palms into them, already craving the euphoric feeling of the coke in my system again. That stuff was addictive, just the feel of it under my skin. I groaned, sighing heavily as thoughts came back to me.

Heero was so different than he used to, or at least that's what I tried to convince myself of. But the truth was that he was the same as he'd always been. He was like a well-oiled machine. He never changed; it wasn't in his programming. He was all gears and wiring after all. I chuckled, imagining that Heero was actually metal beneath his skin, even though it wasn't possible. It was awful thinking about him the way I did. I was like some kind of lovesick schoolgirl the way I obsessed over him. He was gorgeous with his messy dark locks, sharp oriental features, tall, tanned, muscular body and those stunning Prussian blue eyes. Why couldn't he have a personality to match his looks? It was so unfair.

He hadn't always treated me quite the way he did now. He had always been a jerk to me, sure, but he'd never raped me during the time we'd spent together in the past. I wondered what had changed. Where had the lonely 'Perfect Soldier' of the Wing Gundam gone? I'd always assumed that Heero would be different, maybe more normal after all the war shit ended, but he was worse if anything. He played Relena off as his pure princess, pure as snow, she was. And he let her hang off his arm, looking to all the world like a perfect royal couple. The princess and the knight in shining armor. I snorted. Yeah right!

Heero was no knight in shining anything. He was a cold, heartless bastard and he liked it that way. No one knew that he and Relena's relationship was nothing but a cheap farce, some kind of sad play with easily performed roles for the two of them. They were like puppeteers with the whole world on their strings. It was sickening to think how easily they fooled everyone. I wasn't so simple. I knew better. I knew the dark side of Heero Yuy.

I knew he never fucked Relena the way he fucked me. I knew he never even talked dirtily to her, his sweet little girl. She'd be appalled if she knew the ways and places he'd fucked me in. She'd look away if she could see the way he touched me so ruthlessly. His love was the most brutal. She'd be sick if she could see the marks he marred my skin with, if she could hear the names he called me when I wouldn't spread for him. He never failed to remind me of my chosen career as a whore, not that he ever had to pay me. The little shit took what he wanted for free.

I wondered in the back of my mind what excuse he'd tell her this time, how easily she would gobble up every word he spouted. It was pretty ridiculous to think that a woman as intelligent and politically sound as Relena would fall for such cheap excuses. But what was it they said about love, oh yes, it was blind. And it was so blind that if you were trapped within it's grasp, that you'd even let the one you loved fuck you raw and leave you bleeding every time they came to call. You'd let them dirty you up right good and still be craving more.

I spoke from experience on that one. I'd loved Heero for so long, it felt like there never was a time that I didn't. It made me ill to think that I let him do whatever he wanted to me as long as I could pretend that he loved me back for just a little while. But in reality, if you loved someone, you certainly didn't rape them and fuck them without preparation. Heero was one sick son of a bitch, that was for sure. And he knew I loved him, that was probably the worst part of the whole ordeal. He knew it and he got some fucked up thrill from exploiting it, humiliating me and using me like some kind of toy, like a little doll.

God I hated him for making me feel the way I did. He made me feel ashamed of myself, sickened by my own reflection. He made me remember what I was, nothing more than some common whore, just like I had been meant to be. It's not like I was good for much else anyway. Nobody wanted a washed up Gundam pilot these days. I suppose I could have done the scrapyard thing with Hilde, and I tried to, but the first time Heero had shown up, I knew I couldn't let her see the things he did to me. I ran after that and I never stopped, not that Heero didn't find me every time. I wondered when he'd finally quit chasing me. Whenever he finally got bored with me, I supposed or maybe when I was dead in a ditch somewhere, overdosed on drugs or killed by a john who went to far.

I sat up, setting up another line, hoping to rid myself of the thoughts that were overpowering my brain. I didn't waste time snorting the fine whitish powder into the membranes of my nose, sniffing several times as though my nose were running and I supposed it probably was. I lit up another cigarette, assuming it would produce the same result as the night before. And it did.

Euphoria was some kind of blessing, cutting off my thought processes, making my body float. I touched myself again, trailing my own hands and fingers over my body, enjoying the tingling shock waves that shot through me with every caress. I hardly remembered the rest of the day, even though I was sure I did nothing but touch myself and snort coke. I didn't even eat, the drug suppressing my appetite. I was glad; I didn't feel like going out for food anyways, even though I had money for it. Heero's money that is.

TBC...

There is the second chapter. I will just let all you readers know that I plan on hoping back and forth between Heero and Duo'd POV for alternating chapters, at least for the time being. I hope you all enjoyed the second installment and keep the lovely reviews coming. Also, the facts about the cocaine are true. It's a pretty scary drug. Duo just hasn't figured it out yet. Cocaine has qualities that work as appetite-suppressants and also as an anesthetic which causes a numbing feeling. Also, when cigarettes are smoked, the chemicals and nicotine increase the high that comes from the drug, which is why a lot of users become chain smokers when they are high. The drug causes damage to the nervous system when used for long periods of time and the body easily becomes used to it, making the user need more and more to achieve the same high as their first time. Seizures, strokes, and cardiac arrest are some of the major results of its prolonged use. And as for all of Duo's touching of himself, cocaine can also produce sexual related side effects, the body becoming hypersensitive to touch.

Now that you are all somewhat educated, I will leave you with a piece of advice, don't do coke, it's a bad idea all around. Thanks again for all the reviews and expect updates asap.

Angel


	3. Entry 3: Like a Perfect Princess

Wayward Souls

Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, possible violence, Heero POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc...

Entry 3: Like a Perfect Princess

(Heero)

The drive home was silent, no sound but the inhaling and exhaling of my breath against the backdrop of outdoor noise. I ignored the sound, my mind conjuring flashbacks of what I'd just done to the one I had once called my best friend. It was disturbing to think that I could do the things I did to him. I sighed heavily, desperately trying to convince myself that I had done nothing wrong. Duo was a prostitute after all. It's not like he wasn't used to this kind of thing.

I tried to push the thoughts to the back of my subconscious, refusing to pay them any more attention. I had other things to think about, like what I was going to say to Relena when I got home. She was probably worried sick. I couldn't believe how easily I would be able to set her concerns to rest. She would hardly bat a lash at my excuses, taking them for truth. I shook my head. It was sickening how simple it was for me to use them both.

I drove the distance back to our palace, the overly decorated mansion making my eyes ache. I parked the car in the underground lot as per usual and locked it on my way out before taking the elevator upstairs to where my girlfriend would be waiting patiently for me. I smiled grimly. What kind of boyfriend was I? The sick kind, obviously. I wasn't even sure if I loved her. Well, of course I loved her, but I wasn't sure in what way.

I supposed it was in the same way and older brother loved and protected a little sister. It's not like I wanted to fuck her or anything, not that she wouldn't want me to. I just couldn't imagine doing what I did to Duo to her. It made my stomach turn just thinking of the possibility. She was too innocent, too naive. I sighed again as the elevator pinged, alerting me to the fact that I had arrived on the ground floor to our luxurious home.

I toed off my brown shoes and padded down the hallway before taking the enormous staircase upstairs to our wing. I knew where she'd be waiting for me, in our bedroom, as always. She never failed to be in there when I came home late and she was never asleep. I opened the door noiselessly and wandered into our large room, the huge canopied oak bed occupying the middle of the room and most of one wall, an entertainment area just across from the foot of it and a gigantic armoire next to the balcony doors on the left side of it. Relena sat in a plush chair to the right of it in front of a desk that held her reports and mine.

She looked relieved when I entered the room, sighing as though she'd been holding her breath since I'd last left. I wondered idly what she thought about when I was away. I didn't ask her of course, I just wondered silently. She moved to stand, her silky fine sandy gold hair falling softly against her shoulders and back. She was beautiful, which made things ever stranger for me. I didn't understand why I didn't want her the way I wanted him.

Relena was far from unattractive. He face was thin with sharp aristocratic features, smooth skin and bright cerulean blue eyes. She was curved like women should be with full breasts and hips. I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to jump her. It's not like she would even object if I tried. She often tried to seduce me, but my excuse was always that I wanted to be wed first. What a poorly plotted plan to keep her at bay. What would happen once we were actually married, when I was obligated to touch her like that?

She smiled brilliantly at me, her straight, white teeth showing her happiness that I was once again home safely with her. I smiled falsely back at her, hiding any thoughts streaming through my tortured psyche. How much therapy did I need, really? It was a question I asked myself often, but never answered for fear of the truth. She hugged me, slim, pinkish arms wrapping around my neck easily as she tiptoed to reach me. Her rosy lips pressed against mine chastely in greeting. I held her as well, letting my arms pull her in, resting around her tiny waist, not as tiny as his, but still thin. He lips were plumper than his, but I chose not to recall what they felt like.

I fulfilled the kiss dutifully before releasing her. She smiled happily. "So how was your drive?" she questioned easily, her girlish voice no longer grating on my ears. I shrugged nonchalantly.

"It was peaceful. What were you doing while I was away?" I inquired lightly, knowing she would take the bait and change the subject from me to her. She was just like a perfect princess, loving the spotlight.

"Oh, I read a bit and watched that program on the history network, you know the one that they made about OZ and the Gundams. It was very interesting, although I don't think they got all of their facts correct about the five of you," she spoke thoughtfully. She was probably right about that. The media rarely got their facts straight when discussing what had taken place during the war, and just what kind of roles we Gundam pilots had played. I nodded to her words, acknowledging what she'd said.

"You know how the media is Relena; they hardly ever know what they're talking about," I replied, moving to peel off my shirt and undo my pants before tossing them down the laundry shoot. She watched me shyly, stealing glances from the corners of her eyes. I smirked slightly. "I'm going to shower, we can talk after if you like," I offered with a soft smile, mostly for her benefit.

"Of course," she said enthusiastically, a bright smile on her lips. I nodded and headed for the bathroom suite off the side of our room. I thought about her as I stood beneath the heady spray of the spacious shower.

She was still such a little girl to me, even though we were both the same age, both considered adults now at the age of eighteen. She still seemed so soft, so unused. It was odd to think that she wanted the same kinds of things that I did. How could I imagine that she wanted to have sex? And certainly not the way that I did.

I wondered what she would think if she knew about Duo, if she knew the way that I treated him. I wondered what she might say if I told her, if he would even believe it. She liked Duo; I remembered that much. I pondered if she would still like him if she knew that he got to fell me inside him? I thought about it and I pondered whether or not she'd blame him for it. It was strange to think that she might.

I washed sufficiently before stepping out of the shower and drying myself with the far too plush towels. I wrapped one securely about my waist before returning to our room, not even thinking anything of my partial nudity in front of Relena. I walked immediately to the armoire and opened the drawers on the bottom, picking out a pair of pajama bottoms quickly. I could feel her watching me, those pretty blue eyes catching all of my movements. I wondered what kind of naughty thoughts she was having as she gazed at my body. I dressed quickly, turning my back to her.

"Heero, what are those?" she asked suddenly. I had no idea what she was speaking of. I turned to face her, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"What are what?" I questioned for clarification. I didn't see anything. She pointed to my back.

"Those marks on your back. They look like scratches or cuts or something. You weren't fighting with anyone were you?" she sounded so worried. I frowned.

'God damn him' I cursed inwardly, realizing what marks she must have been referring to. The little slut had left claw marks down my back. I was furious. He'd probably left them there on purpose, knowing she'd see them. I collected myself, reigning in my temper before answering her.

"Oh, they must be from earlier when I was fixing the car, I scraped my back on the concrete of the garage. It's nothing to worry about," I lied easily, not breaking eye contact with her. She blinked at me for a moment, taking in the information.

"You should be more careful Heero. What if you had gotten an infection?" she asked rhetorically. I shrugged even though she really wasn't expecting an answer. She sighed and shook her head in that 'boys will be boys' kind of way. I grinned at her to put her at ease and climbed onto the bed.

"Why don't you come lay with me and we'll talk for a bit?" I suggested, hoping to distract her. It worked, like I assumed it would. She beamed as she crawled into the downy bed with me. I even put my arm around her, letting her rest her head against my chest.

"Heero?" she called quietly.

"Hm?" I acknowledged.

"I'm planning to have a small get together to reminisce about the war. I'm going to invite all of the Gundam pilots to come. I want to see them all again. It's been so long after all. And won't it be so nice to catch up with them?" she informed exuberantly, happy with the plan she'd concocted. I wasn't so sure I wanted Duo to come here. It would be too tempting, not to mention that he wasn't exactly guest material these days.

"That sounds nice," I replied supportively, smearing a fake smile on my face. She snuggled closer to me, pleased that I agreed with her.

"I just need to get in touch with them all, Wufei, Quatre and Trowa shouldn't be too hard to get in contact with since Wufei works with the Preventers still and Quatre has his company," she thought for a moment, nibbling on her fingertip, "I'm pretty sure that Quatre can get in touch with Trowa for me too."

I nodded, running a hand through her hair simply to keep myself from fidgeting than any sign of affection. Relena leaned into the caress and sighed contentedly. She was living in such a fantasy world, not that I had led her to believe it was anything but real.

"How do you think I'll get a hold of Duo? Do you have any idea where he might be Heero? He's no longer at Hilde's," she spoke glumly. I breathed in a deep breath before speaking.

"Well, I could probably find him for you," I replied softly as if I didn't already know exactly where he was.

Relena smiled widely, completely ecstatic that I was willing to help her out with her plot. I moved a little to turn off the light. I'd let her think whatever she wanted. It's not like it would do her any harm or anything. I held her as she settled in.

"Goodnight Heero," she yawned as she laid her head in the crook of my neck. I sighed.

"Goodnight Relena. Sleep well," I said quietly, letting my body relax, but stay on the alert just in case.

It was after all my job to make sure nothing happened to her highness. I hardly dreamed that night, images of Duo against the glass of his window swirling throughout my mind every now and again. I didn't move as much as I could so that I wouldn't disturb Relena as she slept, but I was restless. I wasn't sure I could handle Duo and Relena at the same time. What if he said something to her? Would he do that?

I was so concerned about it that I nearly didn't wake up when the alarm went off. I jerked as though it had actually startled me. I let out a breath and got up, readying myself for work swiftly. I searched around for my wallet, going through the pockets of my jeans from the night before. It wasn't anywhere that I looked. I even went into the bathroom in search of it. I grumbled to myself as I tried to retrace my steps since I'd last seen it.

Belatedly I came to the conclusion that I had left it at Duo's. I slammed things around in the bathroom angrily. How had I been so careless? I couldn't believe I'd actually left it there.

That meant that I would have to go back and see him sooner than I had planned. I wondered what he would do when I showed up so soon. Maybe he'd be frightened or maybe he would be pissed. Or maybe he would be expecting it. It was hard to know for sure. Duo was always a bit of an enigma.

I huffed as I left Relena to ready herself in our room and made my way to the security office. I checked all of the necessary computers and cameras before barking orders to the watch guards and the other security personnel. I thought it was humorous; they must have believed that I was such an asshole and I thought that they were right.

Throughout the day, I reached for my wallet more than once, cursing every time I did. I'd have to go back to his motel as soon as possible, otherwise Relena would become curious enough to ask where the bloody thing had got off to. It was obvious that I had lost it.

The guilt had been thrust to the back of my mind, once again becoming nothing more than a nagging feeling. I didn't even need to spend time justifying it to myself. It was as though it was becoming easier and easier. What sort of sicko did that make me? How did raping someone become easier? How did it become simpler to forget what I did to the one who loved me unconditionally?

I still didn't fully comprehend why Duo let me do the things I did to him. It wasn't like he couldn't fight back, not that he would succeed in throwing me off, but I mean, he could try to take legal action pr something. I wondered if he ever thought about it. Did he think of sending me to prison? Would he do it given the chance?

I somehow doubted it. He hadn't done it yet and I didn't think he ever would; he was in too deep now. He couldn't escape me, not even if he wanted to.

TBC...

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. There will be more to come soon, I promise. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

Angel


	4. Entry 4: Like a Moth to Flame

Wayward Souls

Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, probable violence, Duo POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc...

Author's Notes: Thank you to all who have reviewed so far. I hadn't thought that so many people would be interested in this story, so thank you all so much for the great feedback. Also, if any questions arise about the plot, please feel free and I will answer them as best I can. Thanks again and please keep the reviews coming.

Entry 4: Like a Moth to Flame

(Duo)

I looked at the razor blade I'd been using to separate the left over cocaine, staring at the dull glint of the silvery metal. It was strange to think how easily the blade would be able to rip through my flesh. If I just placed it over a pale wrist and cut into the winding green vein, everything could end. It would be so simple. I'd just bleed it all out, pain and shame and life.

I shook my head, trying to scatter the morbid thoughts from my mind. I sighed heavily, like an old man who'd been alive for too long. And in a sense I supposed I was old, too old for my eighteen years. I wondered if all of us had been aged like this or if it was just me in specific.

I licked chapped lips as I shifted to snort the last line of coke I had. I flopped back onto the bed, the bible falling to the floor as I laid myself out, waiting for the euphoria to take me over again. God, but it felt good to be numb. I puffed on a cigarette, letting the smoke filter into my lungs, holding it there for several seconds before it seeped back out through my lips, silvery white wisps curling above my head towards the ceiling. I watched the ashes on the end of the cigarette until my eyes unfocused and the vision of it blurred. I smiled dreamily.

The drug took only minutes to kick in, maybe ten at the most and then I was flying. I closed my eyes, letting my body float, the smile still on my lips. I ran a hand over my stomach, enjoying the tingling sensation that came with the simple acting of touching my own skin. It was deliciously arousing and erotic at the same time even though I was all alone. That actually almost made it better. No one knew how to make me feel like this, only myself.

My thoughts drifted in the deserted wasteland that had become my mind. I was wandering through my thoughts as though they were tangible and I could reach out and grasp them. I laughed at the mere notion of it, even though it really wasn't that funny at all. It must have been the Dust I'd snorted. In fact, I was sure that it was the drug.

I don't know how long I laid there, running my fingertips over my own body, grinning and giggling to myself. I didn't feel drowsy, but it felt to good to just lay on my bed, the covers feeling ten times softer than I knew them to be. I didn't even think about Heero or the fact that Randy would be coming later tonight. I nearly forgot that Heero's wallet was still in my possession too.

I thought I was imagining it when I heard the pounding on my door. It took like ten minutes for me to realize that it was someone at my door. As I stood finally, my feet feeling as though they were asleep as I moved, I could hear the cursing outside my door. It sounded like a different language, but I knew what it meant. I knew that it was swearing. I knew it, but I couldn't remember how or why. I shrugged, my eyes half-lidded as I opened the door.

Heero stood before me, looking pissed off and completely gorgeous. I swallowed and watched him, not really hearing him speak at first. His eyes flashed with anger and I wondered if he would have broken in if I hadn't let him in. He strode into my motel room as though it belonged to him and I couldn't even care. I felt disconnected from the whole situation. He searched around the room and I smiled goofily, knowing full-well what he was looking for. I didn't say anything.

"What took you so long to answer the door Duo? Did you have a john in here or something?" he questioned maliciously. I ignored him, my smile staying in place. He couldn't bring me down when I was flying so high. He glanced at me, still searching on the floor around the bed and in the drawers of the nightstands.

"Where's my god damned wallet Duo?! I know it's here," he exclaimed furiously. I grinned and shrugged.

"What wallet?" I inquired, my voice sounding foreign in my own ears. Heero looked at me like I was insane and I wondered if maybe he was right.

"Don't play with me," he warned as though I would actually be scared. I supposed I would have been if not for the cocaine pumping through my bloodstream.

"Who's playin'?" I asked, raising a cinnamon coloured brow at him. I pulled a smoke from the crushed package in my pocket and held it between my lips, patting my pockets for my lighter. I found it quickly and lifted it to the unlit cigarette. Heero watched me with disgust. I just smiled around the white stick of tobacco and lit up. I breathed in the poisonous smoke deeply, inhaling it into my lungs. It was a pleasant feeling, the smoke in my lungs, filling them up and increasing my high.

"Duo, where is it?" Heero asked, stepping forward menacingly. I chuckled, pulling the leather wallet from my pocket and tossing it at his feet. He growled, but snatched it up off of the dingy carpet, looking through it. I knew that he'd notice the missing bills, but he didn't say anything about it. He put it in his pocket and glared at me, hunger hiding behind the Prussian irises.

There was the man I knew, the one who was surely going to use me before he left. It would be such a waste of a trip if he didn't get something more out of it. I grinned at him widely, letting the smoke billow out from between my teeth. Heero pursed his lips, stepping closer to me and ripping the cigarette from my thin fingers, crushing it onto the floor before grabbing my wrist. The warmth from his skin felt as though it was burning me from the increased sensitivity the coke gave me.

"What's so funny?" he questioned skeptically, looking into my eyes. I looked right back at him, my eyes vacant. He didn't let go of my wrist and I just kept grinning. I was confusing him.

"What's the matter Heero, you want in on the joke?" I asked snidely, my body thrumming with the continued contact of our skin.

His jaw clenched, "Stop your nonsense Duo. There's no joke," his voice was low and vicious. I laughed out loudly.

"Yes, there is. Don't you see the humor in this?" I questioned, my voice filled with morbid comedy.

He looked even more baffled. He had no idea that I was high. He obviously hadn't figured it out yet, but I knew he would soon enough. His eyes searched mine. "How is this humorous?" he responded in question.

I shook my head, chortling. His hand on my wrist tightened painfully, the spikes of feeling vividly standing out in my thought processes. It fascinated me. "It's so funny. You, the Perfect Soldier get to have the princess and the pauper and no one questions you. In fact they all love you, Mr. Peacemaker. It's hysterical, you've got everything, the girl, the fame, the fortune, and all the sex you'll ever want because you just take it when you feel like it from a whore you don't even care to pay for," I explained breathlessly, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Heero recoiled, releasing his grip on me and slapping me across the face. I sprawled on the floor from the impact of the back hand. I smiled through a bloodied lip. Heero looked at me with hard, upset eyes. Apparently he didn't find the joke as amusing as I did. "Shut up," he growled in warning.

"Or what? What will you do to me that you haven't already done?" I asked rebelliously.

"I'll kill you," he threatened. I laughed again, spitting droplets of blood and saliva onto the floor next to me.

"And there's the punchline," I replied chuckling at the hilarity of it all. He was such a liar, an awful liar. "You won't kill me Heero, then who would you have to rape?" I questioned curiously, reveling in the knowledge that I was completely and utterly right. He glared at me. It seemed he didn't like to be reminded of our times together.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked abruptly. I felt back onto the floor, laughing.

"That's a loaded question Heero. You sure you can handle the answer?"

"What?" he was confused again. I wanted to slap his cheek as though he were an idiot. I giggled uncontrollably. My skin tingled all over and I couldn't feel the pain in my face from the slap or my split lip.

"I'm flying," I answered lightly, making flapping motions with my hands in the air over my face. Heero let out a huff of air.

"What are you on Maxwell?" he asked angrily. I giggled again. Wouldn't he like to know...

"Just a little candy," I replied enigmatically.

"You're disgusting," he grated out.

"Am I? Aren't you disgusting too? I'm your candy aren't I?"

"You need help Maxwell," he stated, his voice shaking with rage.

"That's laughable. Isn't that a bit ridiculous coming from you?" I asked, staring at the flecks of dirt and god knows what else on the ceiling.

"Shut up! You listen Duo. Relena wants you to come to a party in two weeks on the 16th. You best be there and you better not bring your filth with you," he threatened arrogantly. I snorted derisively.

"Ooh, I could never refuse a request from the princess herself," I taunted. It was so easy with the false bravery I had achieved through the drug in my veins.

"I'm not joking around Duo," he said, standing straight and moving towards the door. He stopped short before turning around and stomping back over to me. He yanked me up by the front of my worn out shirt, thrusting me against his muscled chest. I grinned at him. He mashed his lips against mine, opening the split in my lip and making it bleed again. His kiss was brutal and bruising and it lasted so long, I thought I might suffocate, but he back off soon enough.

"And next time I show up, you better be ready for me," he demanded, shoving me backwards. I stumbled and when I gained my balance back, he was gone. I laughed breathlessly. I was so pathetic. I'd basically melted into the kiss, let my body mold right to his.

I slumped onto the edge of the bed, my body still blissfully numb. Once again, like a moth to flame, I had let him take me over. He always had power over me, always, like every bit of will I had was just forced from me. I spat bloody spittle onto the floor, lying back on the bed and letting my eyes drift closed again, hoping to forget him.

And I knew already that I would be going to Relena's little shindig. I couldn't very well displease the princess, now could I? Plus, I didn't think I could survive Heero's punishment if I didn't show up at all. I heaved a sigh, pulling another cigarette out and lighting it up.

Maybe an hour or so later, there was another knock on the door, not a pounding wood-shuddering knock, but a normal knock, like that of a close friend. I stood and went to greet the visitor. I opened the door with an exaggerated whine from its hinges and laid eyes on the blond drug dealer.

Randy stood, leaning against the door jam. He grinned at me when he saw me, his eyes trailing over my body as if they were hands. I smiled back at him. At least Randy wasn't fat or ugly like some of my customers and at least I got something better in return from him. The blond man was well-built, maybe not as cut as Heero, but definitely built and his dark sandy-coloured hair was soft and clean, his eyes were pretty sea green that kind of reminded me of Trowa and he smelled nice. He was probably as tall as Trowa too. I let him in without question. I knew what he was here for.

As soon as the door closed I was stripping off my shirt, revealing the fading bruises I'd gotten from Heero just a few days before. I was unbuttoning my jeans when Randy's hands caught mine and stilled the frantic movements, pulling my fingers away from my pants and holding them.

"You don't have to go so fast darlin'," he spoke softly, his breath warm against my cheek. I swallowed, looking at him. He didn't have to be gentle with me. Didn't he know that he could hurt me if he wanted?

He let my hands fall to my sides and he touched me. His hands slid over my skin, causing little shocks to scuttle beneath it. The last remnants of the drug, I assumed. He watched me, his eyes brimming with lust. His fingers brushed over my nipples and he bent to kiss me. I was nearly shocked at the reverent press of his lips against my own. The first kiss was chaste even before it became more heated. I had no idea what to do with the feeling.

He pulled me in closer, deepening the kiss as his fingers pulled my hair free of its usual plait. I didn't even get the chance to protest. He undressed me and himself slowly, shedding clothes as we moved towards my bed. Randy panted against my mouth and I could feel the heat and hardness of his erection through the thin layer of his pants before he pulled those off too. I looked at his flesh. He was quiet gorgeous. I licked my lips, feeling myself getting oddly aroused.

I turned ont my stomach and got to my hands and knees. Randy tsked from behind me and I was startled when his hands landed on my prominent hipbones and he flipped me back onto my back. "I wanna see your eyes. I didn't wait so long for you so I could fuck you like a dog sweetheart," he explained, crawling over me and kissing me again.

My arms moved of their own accord, coming up to meet behind his neck and my fingers weaved into the silky locks of his jagged hair. I moaned as his hands pressed against my hips, his fingertips massaging and arousing. I couldn't figure out why it felt good. It had never felt good with anyone before, especially not customers, although Heero did manage to get me hard and moaning for him. It had never been quite like this. Randy wanted me to feel him too, to enjoy what he was doing to me. I realized then that Randy was a secret romantic and a lover. He had to be, there was no other explanation.

He was slow in prepping me, starting with just a finger, even using extra lube and I was panting by the time he was finished. I was ready to beg him to fuck me. And he did, pressing in slow and gentle, keeping his eyes locked with mine. It didn't hurt, just burned a little as he entered me. He wasn't as big as Heero, but he wasn't small either. I closed my eyes and pretended he was Heero. Would this be what it was like to make love to Heero Yuy, if he actually knew how to make love at all? A little voice somewhere inside of my mind tried to convince me that it would be just like this.

I moaned for randy, but I didn't have to force it. "That's it Angel, let me hear you. You like this," the blond panted into my neck, rocking into me, the tip of his cock brushing my prostate. I nodded, incapable of coherent words. I dug my nails into Randy's back, breathing heavily, teetering on the edge of orgasm. I nearly screamed when his hand managed to snake between us and stroke my aching shaft. I was done then. I came all over his hand. Randy wasn't far behind, filling my insides with hot seed. It was then that I realized I hadn't made him wear a condom. I made all my customers wear them, but I'd forgotten this time.

Randy rolled off of me a few minutes later, moving to pull the sheets up over us. He was staying the night? It was a notion that hadn't even struck me before. Heero never stayed the night and I didn't allow johns to. But I knew Randy; I'd known him for years. Could I let him stay? I got may answer when he pulled me close to him, my head falling to his chest. I could hear his heartbeat and I knew I wouldn't be kicking him out tonight.

In between my legs felt sticky, but I ignored it, letting myself drown in the blond's embrace. Randy ran his hands through my hair, twirling the long strands around his fingers. I looked up at him, his eyes meeting mine. He smiled at me.

"Are you okay sweetheart? Didn't hurt you did I?" he asked concernedly. I shook my head.

"You didn't wear a condom," I stated quietly. I felt his chest jump as he chuckled.

"No worries Angel. I'm clean. Never sleep with no one I don't know personally and never touch drugs 'sides weed," he explained, his unoccupied hand resting on my hip. I didn't know if I should believe him or not, but I chose not to think on it tonight.

I let Randy's warmth and comforting embrace lull me to sleep. When I woke up, the blonde was gone, but there was a scribbled note and a tiny baggy with a syringe next to it sitting on the nightstand. Randy had left me a gift. The syringe was in a brand new, sealed package and the crystals in the bag were a light brown colour, reminding me of brown sugar. I smiled, reading over the note and then looking back at the new drugs. Heroin, he said was really good, but scary if you developed a habit. He said to just have a taste.

On the note were instructions on how to cook the powder and there was another baggy beneath the heroin. He said it was for cooking with the drug. I understood and I had every intention of putting it to use just as soon as I was finished with my shower. Work would be so much easier to get through tonight when I was flying again.

TBC...

Please review. Duo is not getting addicted to any drugs so everyone knows, he's just using them from time to time, particularly after he sees Heero. Also, I will explain more about heroin in the 6th chapter and I hope no one was too peeved about the RandyXDuo lemon. It was necessary. Anyways, feedback is appreciated.

Angel.


	5. Entry 5: Like a Nicotine Patch

Wayward Souls

Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, possible violence, Heero POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc... BIG WARNING AND YOU WILL ALL HATE ME I AM SURE, HEROXRELENA LEMON AT THE END. SKIP IT IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT READING IT IF IT DISGUSTS YOU AS MUCH AS IT GROSSES ME OUT TO WRITE IT.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. God, I wish I did.

Author's Notes (IMPORTANT!): Okay, so all of you fans that are loving this story and giving me great feedback, I am sorry to announce that updates will be slow in coming for a few weeks as I am in the middle of moving and after Friday next week, I will have no Internet for at least a week maybe longer. So please bare with me; I will be updating as soon as I can, but don't expect it to be sooner than a few weeks at least. Thanks and I will enjoy reading all of your feedback and the complaints I am sure I will get for taking too long to update .

Entry 5: Like a Nicotine Patch

(Heero)

I swore as I smashed my fist against my steering wheel furiously. The conversation with Duo had left me fuming. Where did he get off laughing at me as though this whole thing was some big fucking joke? And he had been high on god knows what. I grit my teeth, running a hand through my hair agitatedly. I couldn't go home like this. Relena would surely ask what had happened and I had told her I was going to see him, that I would be back later.

God damn him. I had been expecting to stay at his place for at least a few hours and he had royally fucked that idea over. And I wouldn't have even had to lie to Relena. She would have assumed we were catching up. I growled. Now I was pissed off and horny and I had nowhere to go to get some release. I huffed indignantly, rolling my window down and letting the cool breeze pour over my face and exposed skin.

I drove until I reached the bridge, parking and staring out at the water. I hardly spared a glance for the prostitutes and drug dealers that skulked about in the shadows beneath the bridge, focusing on the water. The worst thing about Duo's little joke was that it was true. All of it was true. I could get away with murder. The world loved me. I was Relena's knight and I took damn good care of her. We made a gorgeously powerful couple and the world was willing to put us on the highest pedestal they could manage.

I couldn't even believe had had the guts to say it, to laugh at me and taunt me the way he had. The bastard had been playing me, seeing how far he could push me and I had fallen for it. I breathed in a heavy breath before exhaling roughly. He was infuriating. First he had taken almost ten minutes to answer his damn door, then he had watched me scramble around to find my wallet while he laughed, holding it in his pocket, then he had had the nerve to call out my flaws and make a joke of my entire life and he was completely right.

I had wanted to kill him, to put a bullet in his head to make his laughter stop, but he had kept at it. And he had known I could never kill him, even though he had only been half right in his assumption. Maybe I couldn't kill him because I would never be able to fuck him again, but that was only half the reason. I didn't even fully comprehend the other half and I sure as hell wasn't going to admit it to him. He'd be too smug if I had.

I leaned back in my seat, unbuckling my seatbelt and shutting my eyes, successfully blocking out any light filtering through the tinted windows of my car. The truth of the matter was that I wanted him, desired him on the level of borderline obsession. I couldn't be with him for fear of the want overwhelming me. I wanted him so badly that when I finally had him, I couldn't get him fast enough. I needed to feel him so much that I had to do it right away, I couldn't spend the time waiting to feel his skin on mine, his body all around me. My love was violent. I knew it. I wanted him with a destructive passion and it only seemed natural that I made him want me just as viciously.

Didn't he once mention that loving him was dangerous? Didn't he say that it would be the death of me? I found it a little ironic that I would most likely be the death of him. What I felt was so carnal, so primitive and brutal. I couldn't control myself with him, I'd never been able to. He was too unique, too beautiful, strikingly, breathtakingly beautiful and I had found that I had to possess him. He wasn't something to be shared, but I could not stop him. He should have been mine and only mine, belonging to me and no one else, but he disobeyed as he always had.

He was not one to be tamed, but I was keen on breaking him. He would someday be all mine. He was nearly there. I was sure, since he couldn't escape me. He'd never be rid of me, not really. And I needed her too, but not like I needed him. I needed her to balance me, to keep me from going over the edge and drowning in the need for him. She didn't even know what she was. She was just a patch, like a nicotine patch for a smoker. And god, but he was as potent as the poison in cigarettes, so easily becoming an addiction and I couldn't get enough. I couldn't quit him. The patch only kept the craving at bay for so long before I needed to sneak a drag.

And when the withdrawals became so bad that I relapsed, I took him, sex and violence mixed with something deeper, twisted obsession and what could only be considered love became meshed and blurred so that there was no definition between the two. It made me sick to think of it, the bruises I was so proud to leave all across his ivory skin, the same skin that tasted like honey and vanilla, the same skin that was so smooth, it made silk seem rough. And yet the more I thought about it, the more it made me want him again and again, even if it was disturbed, some kind of wicked desire.

I was so completely horrified to realize that I was probably only this way because of the life I'd led, god knows what kind of disgusting mutated DNA washing through my veins. Doctor J had left my head so unraveled that everything was as though I was the only one normal and the whole world was insane. I knew that that wasn't true, so far from it in fact that I was pretty sure just the notion of it could have me committed to a mental institution.

I pressed my fingers to my temples hard, rubbing them in tight circles, my thoughts jumbling and playing tricks on me. I wanted him so bad right now. The cravings had been coming so frequently lately, like the obsession was worsening. I wanted so badly to be normal for him. He deserved it after all. He'd loved me so long that I was sure he couldn't stop even if he tried. And I was sure he was dying inside, the light in those astonishingly indigo eyes dimming with every visit I paid him. I was no better than those disgusting men that paid for his body; I was worse in fact, at least they paid him.

I fumbled with the handle for my car door, leaving it open as I stumbled towards the water's edge. I vomited, kneeling on the jagged rocks. Some prostitutes twittered somewhere near me, laughing at my expense, but I ignored them. Tears stung my eyes as my body heaved. How could I keep this up? And I knew I would; I wouldn't stop. I didn't know how and the only one who could fix me was long since dead. The crazy doctor had left the world of the living years ago and he'd left me so fucked up that I was sure I could never even hope to achieve normalcy.

God, I needed therapy. I knew that too, but it wasn't going to happen. No one could pay me enough to relive the horrors of my past, especially not some arrogant psychologist who had never seen the horrific scenes of war, but would listen to me recounting it as if they understood, prescribing medication after medication until I could no longer function rationally. I puked again, my stomach revolting against the awful thoughts. Why had Duo brought this up? What had he made me think about it?

He was breaking, using the drugs as a way to let me know that I was killing him; I was winning. He'd be mine soon enough; his mind would be lost and I would be left to keep him as I pleased. I hated the thought of him not fighting me; the fight was the most exciting part, listening to him plead with me and push me away desperately. But I knew that the struggle had been weakening. I had been ignoring the impending break.

He was warning me that it was coming soon; he was too close to the edge, teetering. I hated that I'd been the one to lure him there and I'd be the one to push him over it, drowning him. I'd be the one to hold his head under the water and fill his lungs with it. I knew it and so did he. I stood shakily, tottering back to my car on unstable feet.

I sat, my head against the wheel, willing the thoughts to stop. I couldn't take them; I couldn't analyze my sickness. I couldn't bring myself to get the help that was so direly needed. I wouldn't and couldn't, refusing to accept the need. My programming prohibiting me from asking for it at all. And I knew Relena would be so willing to do it, to help me, to lend me any amount I needed to get well. She'd do it even if it meant I would be leaving her for him. She was too kind, too compassionate.

That's why it had been so easy to play her, using her as some kind of substitute for the reality that I wanted with him, but didn't know how to have. He and I were too much alike, too tainted and rough. We both had too much blood on our hands, our tattered souls hardly existing to be mates. And god, but I felt like some kind of cad for lying to her. She made it far too easy to deceive her, too simple to leave her misguided and misled.

I breathed heavily against the steering wheel, my brows pinched together. I hated thoughts of her more than thoughts of him. She had done absolutely nothing to deserve this, especially from me. She was nothing more than a naive and kind-hearted woman, her heart too big and her eyes too bright. It was so completely perfect to exploit her compassion. She was the most logical choice and the most available at that to become my patch.

I sickened myself. Duo had asked me more than once to take him away, to save him from himself. I don't know why he asked me. I was his biggest tormentor, but he did ask and many times over. And my answer never changed. I didn't even know why I couldn't do it, take him away. I could. I was positively capable. And we'd never even had to be found if I wanted it that way, but I was in too deep. I had dug myself a hole so deep that it had caved in upon me, suffocating me with my own dirt.

I sucked in a breath, clenching my teeth against the rise of bile in my throat. My hands shook as I picked up the key and thrust it into the ignition, turning it and letting the car purr to life. I really shouldn't have been driving, but I did, letting my body work mechanically to bring me home to my palace and my princess.

I don't know how fast I drove or how long it took to get back to my home, the crumbling buildings and overflowing dumpsters, shrubs and cracked alleyways giving way to meticulously groomed lawns and flower beds, Jaguars and overly luxurious mansion homes. I ignored every one of them. I refused to even look at them, my eyes trained on the black speckled asphalt of the street.

I don't remember pulling into the driveway, or parking the car in the garage. I only know that once the key was pulled from the ignition, it was flung to the passenger seat and I sat unmoving for what seemed like months, but was really only minutes on the belt of time. I stared at nothing and everything, not taking in any of it, just letting my eyes roam. I swallowed several times, forcing my throat to work keeping down the vomit that threatened to ruin the upholstery in the expensive vehicle.

I didn't blink when the lights in the garage turned on and I didn't flinch when the door was pulled opened. I hardly noticed when the smell of lilacs hit my senses. I didn't feel the arms that wrapped around me, or hear the voice that was so familiar now whispering in soft tones next to my ears. I didn't taste the lips that pressed against my own. And I certainly didn't answer when the question was asked.

"Heero, why are you crying?" I hadn't even known that I was, the salty rivulets running along my cheeks and making my skin itch.

I let Relena lead me into the house and strip me to my boxers. She even put me in bed and then she laid with me. I don't remember when I kissed her or when the kissing turned from chaste to heated. I don't recall how she lost her skirt or her blouse. I don't even know what it was that triggered the chain of events leading to her and I naked and panting against one another.

I was distinctly reminded that she was not Duo. My body comparing them even as I touched her and let myself be aroused. She was soft where he was sharp, her hips full where his were prominent, her mouth small, lips plump and smooth where his was wide, lips shapely and chapped. Her body was petite, he height so much shorter than his. It didn't quite fit against mine as his did and her hair wasn't as shiny or long. And her nails were sharp instead of blunt, her eyes the wrong shade of blue. Her voice was high and not husky.

She didn't arch like he did when I entered her. She cried, but her tears weren't as beautiful as his. She moaned, but they weren't as arousing. She kissed me, but they weren't as brutal. Her tongue wasn't as rebellious; she didn't duel with my own in her mouth like he did. Her gasps weren't as graceful and her legs not as smooth as she wrapped them around me. Her skin wasn't as white as his, hers unblemished and creamy where his was scarred and ivory. Her nipples were pink and her breasts supple and obvious where he was flat-chested and his nipples dusky.

Her face wasn't as gorgeous as his when her orgasm took her over. She wasn't as tight around me as she convulsed in the aftershocks climax. And I didn't come inside of her, my semen trapped within the constricting latex of a condom. Her expression wasn't serene or melancholy afterwards, but pleased and sated. It was too easy taking her. She had been so willing, so wanting. She wasn't as pretty when she sweat with her cheeks flushed and the flush didn't melt onto her neck and chest and she didn't have the tiny freckles that he had across the bridge of his nose. And I didn't feel as accomplished about taking her virginity as I had when I took his.

And when she fell asleep, I went into the bathroom and vomited again, tossing the condom away disgustedly and showering before returning to the newly rumpled bed. Relena didn't make the noises he did while asleep and her breathing wasn't as soft. And as I wrapped an arm around her protectively, more out of habit than necessity, the tears came again with a morbid realization.

She wasn't him.

And she never would be.

TBC...

I thought I would help you all to get a little insight into Heero's psyche. He is one fucked up little boy, that's for sure and I really think that you all should read the above lemon if you didn't because it's not as bad as it sounds and you might actually like it, since all Heero does is think about Duo. Also, please give me some feedback on this chapter. I really want some input, so I know how you all are feeling about the turn here. Thanks again for all the reviews and I hope to hear from you all again soon.

Angel


	6. Entry 6: Like a Little WindUp Doll

Wayward Souls

Entry 6: Like a Little Wind-Up Doll

(Duo)

The heroin was the same as the blow, just as potent, but instantaneous. It was all so simple too. All you had to do was boil the brown powder with the white citric acid powder in water and suck it up into the syringe, not too much and not too little, and when it was safely within the fragile glass tube, you just found a vein and forced the chemical into your bloodstream. It was so easy, just like back in the war when we had to inject ourselves with whatever anaesthetic we had managed to steal just so we could stitch ourselves up and god but the heroine was just as quick. It took literally mere seconds to hit me, not like the cocaine; with heroine, I didn't have to wait.

And the euphoria was pure and utter bliss. For what must have been hours, I just laid in the middle of the room, sprawled out next to a withering candle flame on the thread-bare, disgusting gray carpeting the motel called clean and sanitary. The world moved around me as though I was stuck, lying completely still. And wouldn't it be wonderful if that were true?

I'd never have to see him again or listen to his voice, the one that gave me shivers, spouting vulgar obscenities at me. I'd never have to feel him rip me apart inside as if I was no more than a waste of tissue paper, to crumple and tear and finally be tossed away like the vile trash I was. He acted like it was some kind of chore to fuck me, like I was some kind of nasty job he'd been assigned to do. And he'd just wash the filth that was me from his hands when he was finished each shift.

I would have spat or laughed or maybe puked if I could have even moved at all. And in the wake of my drug-addled mind, Randy came for me. It was pleasant just like all the other times he'd taken me had been. I couldn't recall how many times it had been now in just over a week's time. It probably didn't help that for more than half of those times I'd been high, too high to really remember. Between him and my regular customers it was hard to decipher between the fogged glimpses of memory who was who.

It was calm with Randy though, always calm, almost serene like. It didn't hurt, not like with Heero. It was soft and always warm, always passionate, like a lover should be. I wasn't an idiot; I knew what was happening, in fact, I'd known it from the start, Randy, my drug dealer, my fucking knight in shining armour was falling for me. Or, really, I guess he already had. And wasn't I some kind of cad for letting him? After all, I was in love with a sadistic psychopath and why couldn't I have fallen for the blond instead? How fitting it would all be, the dealer and his whore living happily ever after.

I chuckled dazedly from the confines of the blond man's toned arms, dark thoughts fluttering within my mind. It would be so easy to close my eyes and drift away trapped willingly in his embrace. It was warm and oh so safe, just right for an escape. I drifted groggily, imagining what Heero would think of Randy. He'd probably laugh and break his neck for touching and daring to love what was his. And wasn't I? I was like some kind of toy, like a little wind-up doll and Heero had the key. He wound me up so tight before watching me dance before his eyes. How incredibly childish.

As I lie awake, but not, nestled in Randy's arms, a thought surfaced in my brain; Relena's party was only days away. I couldn't comprehend in my half-sleep just how I had managed to miss its approach. I smiled lazily, another idea stemming from the first. Relena had always told me that I could invite a date when she'd thrown these little parties in the past, not that I had ever gone, let alone used the offer to my advantage. But this time would be so different; I would be attending this get together and this time I had someone to invite.

Wouldn't Relena be so pleased to see that I had met someone? I'd been alone so long after all. And hadn't she once said that it was a shame that she and I hadn't fallen for each other? It was true of course; we had both fallen for one man, a certain Heero Yuy and wouldn`t it have been better for us both if we hadn`t fallen for him at all?

My smile broadened as I thought of what it would be like to bring Randy with me to the party. Relena would be so happy, of that I was certain, but Heero would be furious and he wouldn't be able to say a thing. He couldn't, not without having to explain himself to everyone. I grinned. It was perfect and why hadn't I thought of it before?

Randy stirred next to me, his arms tightening, pulling me closer as he inhaled a deep breath. How simple it should be to fall in love with this man, but my heart refused to let go of the one that had come before him. The handsome blond made a sleepy noise and I couldn't help but smile. It was too adorable of a sound for grown man to make, even in his sleep. Seconds later, his breathing pattern changed just the slightest and I knew he was awake.

"What are you doing up?" his drowsy inquiry was rough and husky with the evidence of slumber. I ran a long finger down his smooth chest lightly, admiring the sharp contrast of his tan skin and my own pale white flesh.

"Will you come with me to a party for a friend?" I asked invitingly, not answering his question directly. He looked immediately awake and astonished. Apparently, he hadn't been expecting such an invitation in reply to his sleepy questioning. I smiled, refusing to acknowledge the fact that Randy really had no clue just who I'd been in the past, just whom I was acquainted with.

"I guess so. I didn't think you'd want me 'round when we weren't doin' this kinda thing," he answered quietly, which only served to cement my earlier realization that Randy was in love with me. He looked like I'd just given him some kind of precious gift or something. And I felt guilty and elated all at once. He didn't even know what he was getting himself into, who I really was. And I didn't even know if I was ready or willing to tell him yet, even if he did have the right to know.

I laid my head back onto his chest, his fingers in my hair again, like they always were and I drew lazy circles on the bare skin of his chest as I let my mind drift again. Wouldn't it be so exciting to spite Heero this way? I smiled dreamily and closed my eyes, sleep difinitely creeping up on me. Randy sighed contentedly, chest rising and falling easily as he faded into slumber once more. I didn't take so long to join him either, now that I had set my plan into motion. And shouldn't I feel worse about using the handsome blond?

I sighed and fell into a deeper sleep, forgetting about everything for the moment, my mind too tired to even dream.

************

The two days following the night I invited Randy to Relena's party were hectic at best. Randy was there everyday, helping me pack and packing his own things. He'd sold off whatever drugs he'd had leftover from his last pick up and he'd went out and bought me a new outfit just for the party. I felt bad, like I was taking advantage of him and I told him so, but he didn't want to hear it; he said he was glad to do it.

Finally the day to leave for Relena's party came and I could almost pretend that Randy was a real boyfriend, like he wasn't my drug dealer, like I wasn't a whore. It was kind of nice to play make believe. I slept during the entire ride there. Randy drove. He shook me awake when we were close.

"Hm? What's the matter?" I murmured, half asleep still. Randy's face looked a little panicked.

"Just what kind of party is this exactly?" he asked, gesturing to the gigantic, overly-luxurious mansion homes we were now passing, growing ever closer to Relena and Heero's home. I smiled a little.

"Well, the friend I mentioned is sort of an important person," I replied, shrugging one shoulder. Randy raised his eyebrows.

"How important?"

"The Vice Foreign Minister."

"Are you shitting me? Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian-Peacecraft?" He looked incredulous.

"One and the same. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I forget that she's so important sometimes." It was a lie, but if Randy knew that, he didn't say anything about it.

"Angel, who are you?"

"Forgotten."

He looked at me with sadness in his jade eyes. I sighed before speaking more. He deserved an answer. Heaven knew what kind of questions he would be asked at the party.

"Do you think you can forget about what I do now just for a little while?" I asked quietly; Randy nodded. I nodded at him, "Duo Maxwell, former Gundam Pilot of Deathscythe and Deathscythe Hell, Self-proclaimed Shinigami, and savior of the United Earth Sphere," I introduced, looking away from him.

He pulled over abruptly. "What?"

"I'm sorry Randy."

"Why didn't you tell me? Scratch that, why are you living like this?" he questioned, referring to my rather inappropriate lifestyle.

"I didn't want to be a hero anymore."

He looked confused.

"I could have been in the Preventers, but I didn't want to kill anymore. Don't get me wrong; I didn't want this either, but I don't have any background. Being a Gundam Pilot doesn't really make a resume and I don't even know my real name. Plus I'm from L2. Who'd hire me?"

"I guess, but what about the other pilots? Couldn't you have gone to them? Isn't there some kind of code for comrades or something?"

I snorted, "Wufei wanted me to join the Preventers, Quatre offered me numerous jobs, but I didn't want charity, Trowa is a circus preformer, and they don't know about what I do now. I kind of grew out of touch with them since I move around so much."

"What about the last one? There were five of you weren't there?"

I nodded, "Yeah, Heero, he's the last one. He knows about me."

Randy looked thoughtful. "He's the one who hurt you, isn't he?" I blinked at him. Was it so obvious?

"He's complicated."

"Bullshit."

"Let's just drop it okay. Heero lives with Relena. They're-- They're a couple and Relena is a good friend of mine. I don't want to hurt her, so please don't mention anything about that while we're at her place," I pleaded with Randy. I didn't think I could handle Relena's tears.

"Okay, but I won't let him hurt you again."

I merely nodded, accepting his answer, even though I knew it was impossible for him to hope to protect me from the Perfect Soldier. No one could protect you from him.

"So how long have we been together?"

"Huh?"

"I'm pretending to be your boyfriend, aren't I?"

"Oh, I guess a few months?"

He nodded, looking disappointed about something.

"Randy?"

"When will it stop be make believe? Are you always going to pretend with me Angel? Can it ever be real?"

I hadn't been expecting the questions. "You don't want me Randy. I'm damaged."

He snorted, "Aren't we all? I can help you. Stop turning tricks. Let me take care of you. You can stay with me. I'll keep Heero away from you and you can live for real."

I wanted to and maybe I could, but for how long? Would it last?

"Let's get through the party first."

Randy looked happy at just the prospect of having me. I sighed, looking out the window as he began driving again.

Only minutes later we arrived at Relena's. She was waiting outside when we pulled up, a vallet already waiting to take the keys from Randy. Randy seemed to be a good actor. He was cordial and polite for someone who peddled drugs for a living.

I stepped out of the car and was immediately bowled over by the blonde woman, lavender and vanilla immediately overpowering my senses as she hugged me tightly.

"My gosh Duo, you're so thin. Haven't you been eating?" she looked me over, worry evident in the cornflower blue eyes. I smiled easily at her.

"I've been a bit busy."

A snort sounded from behind her. I swallowed as I laid eyes on Heero. He was watching me, sharp Prussian eyes taking me in, making sure I didn't make a mistake. I wanted to stick my tongue out at him as I hugged Relena close to me.

A soft cough brought me back to myself. I turned, breaking Relena's embrace to look at Randy who was standing on the pristing driveway, our bag in his hand. Relena turned to look as well.

"Duo! You didn't say you were bringing someone," she exclaimed, pinching my side playfully. I laughed.

"Sorry, it must have slipped my mind," I said lightly. She pinched me again. "This is Randy."

Randy for his part stepped forward and took Relena's hand in his, kissing it softly. "It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Relena."

Relena giggled as she always did when someone was overly polite with her. "Call me Relena. I'm so glad Duo brought a date this time. I wondered when he would."

I could feel Heero's glare as he stepped closer. "Duo, you should have informed me that you were bringing someone with you."

I smirked in spite of myself. "Well, it was a last minute decision. Sorry. I hope it's no problem."

Relena laughed and it sounded like bells. "Of course not, don't be silly. Heero's just being overprotective as usual. I'm sure that Randy is just fine, and so handsome too." she said, winking at me. I couldn't help grinning widely at her. If only she knew why Heero was really angry. She deserved so much better. I felt my skin itching with the thought of her touching me. I didn't want to dirty her. She was so pure.

She led us into the house, Randy holding my hand familiarly. I let him, we were a couple after all. Heero was seething, but he did a good job hiding it as we made our way inside, Relena explaining that the others would be arriving in a day's time and that the party would take place the night after that. Heero disappeared at some point. We had tea and then dinner and then coffee and Relena talked and talked and talked.

I liked listening to her, but by the time she was winding down it was late and Randy was starting to lean his head a little too heavily on my shoulder.

"Relena, I hate to break off our conversation, but I think my boy here is falling asleep."

Relena jumped up. "Oh my goodness. I didn't notice the time at all. I'm sorry Duo."

I shook my head. "No worries. We'll pick up where we left off in the morning," I offered with an easy, fake smile. She nodded, her blonde hair falling forward.

We bid her goodnight and made our way to our room. Randy was asleep before his head hit the pillow. I smiled, running my fingers through his sandy hair. It must have been taxing for him to pretend like he was all day long. I leaned and kissed him. It really should have been easy to fall for the tall blond. I sighed, changing into some sweat pants for the night.

I couldn't sleep, not when I was so wound up knowing that Heero was lurking about somewhere. I went out on the balcony for some air. The rooms were all so exquisite. It was like a dream to be in the huge mansion again. I shook my head, leaning on the railing, my cheek cradled by my palm. It was so strange to be around Relena again and then the others would be there too. It was as if nothing had changed. I could almost pretend that I wasn't in the situation I was in.

I sighed heavily, closing my eyes briefly. Wouldn't it be nice to be free? I let myself drift, imagining a different life. A soft tap at the door woke me from my fantasy. I nibbled my lip wondering if it would be him or not.

I opened the door very quietly, peering around it. My gaze met that of Relena once again. I smiled. "What are you doing here queenie?" I asked softly so as not to wake Randy. She grinned at the nickname.

"I couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk to you about something important," she murmured back, the look she gave me telling me whatever it was she wanted to discuss was only for me to hear. I nodded, moving to follow her from the room. She took me into a small study and sat down on a plush couch, waiting for me to sit with her. I did, curious as to what she wanted to tell me. My mood had significantly lightened since seeing her; I hoped it wasn't bad news.

"Duo," she called to get my attention as her hands reached to hold mine. I blinked at her, giving her my full attention.

"I—I think Heero's having an affair."

TBC...

Ha! hope you all enjoyed. I know it's been ages, but I was a little stuck on this chapter for a bit. So here it is; not so dark now that Relena is in Duo's life at the moment. Don't worry, the angst level will rise again.

Reviews would be appreciated. I'll try to update again soon.

Xander


	7. Interlude 1: The Man I Thought I Knew

Wayward Souls

Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, possible violence, Heero POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc...

Disclaimer: I own nothing. God, I wish I did.

Interlude 1: The Man I Thought I Knew

(Relena)

When I first met Heero Yuy, I was sure that he needed me. I couldn't believe that he wanted to die in the war, that he thought his life was expendable. No one, especially not a teen-aged boy should think so morbidly. I made it my personal mission to help him, to bring him out of his lonely existence. I was naive then.

I loved him from the moment we met, his gun trained on me, blue eyes looking lost and dangerous. I was young then, stupid with childish fairy tales and make believe.

When the war ended and he came to me, I was more than willing to let him into my life. I'd wanted him for so long by then. I thought that things would change, that I would be able to change him from the stoic and stony soldier to a loving and compassionate prince. In my fantasies, Heero was the perfect knight in shining armor, and maybe he was, sort of, when he first came to me.

It didn't last though; the disappearances began only a few months afterward. At first I believed every word, every excuse, every lie he told me. I wanted so badly to believe in us, in what we could have, but it began taking its toll. Heero would disappear late at night, be gone for hours and come home with strange marks and an air of irritation. He'd withdraw, sometimes for days, for weeks when it first began.

I knew what it meant, but I refused to acknowledge it. He never took me as a lover, even though for all intents and purposes, we were more or less a couple. We were even engaged according to public knowledge. That's what I wanted.

When I asked why we hadn't moved into the realm of lovers, Heero said, so sincerely too, that he wanted to wait until we were married. I accepted it as truth, but the nagging voice of doubt in the back of my mind was doing it's best to convince me otherwise. He was obviously seeing someone else. There were too many loopholes in his stories, too many excuses for his absences.

He must have thought me so stupid, since he tried to convince me that the long scratches on his back were scrapes. I know what scrapes look like and the long, winding, angry red markings were anything, but scrapes. But I allowed it to go on. I was too afraid, afraid of losing him, of being alone, of knowing that he didn't truly love me.

Then, a strange thing happened, Heero and I became lovers. I had hoped that giving my innocence to Heero would prove to him how much he meant to me, but I couldn't help, but feel he was somewhere else the entire time we made love. And I hated him. How could he use me in such a way? I wanted to confront him, ask him who his whore was on the side, but I was not brought up to be so crass. Instead, I planned to use the reunion I had orchestrated in order to perhaps understand him better or at the very least to be rid of him.

I wanted to speak to the only people who understood Heero Yuy more than I did. The other Gundam Pilots knew him better than anyone, especially Duo. I had once been jealous of Duo's close bond with Heero, but I had since grown out of such childish envies. Duo was now what I considered to be a close personal friend, even if we didn't see each other often. I looked forward to seeing him again.

Heero's behavior after he went to meet with Duo was strange and led up to our first sexual encounter which later struck me as odd. I brushed it off, opting to wait and speak with the long haired man when he arrived for the reunion. I wasn't expecting him to bring someone with him, but I was happy to see him not alone. Duo deserved to be loved.

I had to wait until late into the night to speak with Duo privately; what I wanted to speak to him about was for his ears only, not those of Heero or Duos' new companion.

I took him into my private study and sat him down on the reading sofa, seating myself next to him closely. He seemed a little distracted so I called his name and held his hands to steady my own as his attention turned fully to me. I felt like I was about to confess a deep dark secret and I suppose I was in a way.

"I—I think Heero's having an affair," I'd finally said it, getting the secret out into the open; it felt like a weight being lifted. Relief washed through me. Duo's eyes went impossibly wide, making them look brighter than usual.

"What do you mean?" he asked softly. I nibbled my lip.

"He's been disappearing randomly since he first came here, but lately it's become so frequent and the marks he comes home with... I mean, he must think I'm some kind of idiot not to notice, to believe that they are scrapes when they are clearly nail marks. And we finally made love for the first time just last week, but it felt like he wasn't there the whole time. I know it; he's been seeing someone else. Tell me I'm not crazy Duo?" my voice rose in pitch and his hands squeezed mine comfortingly.

"You're not crazy love," he replied with a sad smile.

I pulled my hands away and covered my face with them, tears burning in my eyes. I'd known it all along, but who knew admitting it would be so devastating. "How could I be so foolish?"

Duo sighed, sidling closer to me and wrapping a warm arm around my shoulders. "You're not foolish, just--" he paused for a second, "Hopeful." I sobbed then, my shoulders shaking with the force of it. Duo whispered softly to me.

"Heero's always been a bit of an asshole. You deserve better," he said confidently. I smiled through my tears, sniffling. I was glad I had told Duo. He was always so good at comforting people.

"What am I going to do?"

"Well, first you're going to give me a hug, then we're gonna have some tea and a few laughs, then we're gonna go to bed," he grinned brightly and it was contagious, my watery smile turning into a grin as well. How did he always know just what to do?

"Duo, how do you always know just what to say to make things look brighter?" I asked, leaning against him and wiping at my eyes with the sleeves of my pajamas.

"Just talented, I guess," he replied, but it sounded strained. I didn't ask about it, but obviously my admission had not only upset me. It must be hard to hear that your best friend is having an affair on your other close friend; that's what I thought then.

He hugged me tightly and then he pulled me to my feet and held my hand as he lead me from the study and down to the kitchen. He sat me at the island and brewed chamomile tea for me. We sat and chatted about nothing of consequence. I asked about his new companion and Duo was happy to oblige me.

Halfway through my second tea, a thought dawned on me, "Duo, would you stay the night with me?"

"Relena, I--" he looked shocked and confused and then I got it.

I laughed, "Oh no! I don't mean it like that. It's just that, I'd rather not sleep in the bedroom with Heero and I don't want to be alone either," I corrected and he looked relieved. He chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"I suppose I can do that," he replied after a moment, his smile back in place.

"Randy won't mind?" I questioned, not wanting to make problems for him. Duo shook his head.

Just then, the door opened and Heero came in clad only in plaid pajama bottoms. He looked at us sternly. "There you are Relena. I was worried," he said, looking between Duo and I strangely. Duo wouldn't look him in the eye. It was rather odd. I'd never known Duo to back down so easily. I shook it off.

"Duo and I were just catching up some more," I replied easily. His brow furrowed as his stare landed on Duo. It made me uncomfortable the way he glared at him as though he'd done something wrong.

"Duo and I are going to have a slumber party Heero. You can go on to bed by yourself, can't you?" I asked, uncaring whether or not my voice sound pleasant or not. I wasn't happy with him and it was only right that he should know it.

"Relena, I don't think that's appropriate."

"Nonsense Heero, Duo is a close friend and besides, he's not the least bit interested in me like that, you know that," I said, lifting my tea for another sip and to hide my malicious smile.

He looked frustrated, "I won't be able to protect you properly," he was grasping at straws. I didn't understand why he was so adamant about it. Was he so sure I would have an affair on him? Guilty conscience Heero? I pursed my lips.

"I'm sure Duo is just as capable of keeping me safe. He is a Gundam pilot as well, after all. And besides, I'm a big girl now. I can make my own decisions Heero. I'm spending the night with Duo in one of the guest rooms and that's final." Hah! Take that, you lying bastard!

Heero was taken aback, speechless. I'd never spoken back so rebelliously before. I didn't break his gaze as I stood.

I touched Duo's shoulder, gaining his attention. "My tea's gotten cold Duo, let's head up to bed," I suggested, turning my gaze from Heero finally and focusing solely on the braided man. He looked up at me and smiled slightly, nodding before letting me pull him up from his seat. We brushed passed Heero without another word. The shock was still written over his face, mouth hanging slightly open. I wanted to laugh, but I managed not to.

Duo and I went straight up the stairs and into one of the many guest rooms. We didn't say anything as we climbed into bed and settled in. Duo let me cuddle close to him, even wrapping an arm around me and letting me rest my head on his chest. It was like being in the embrace of an older brother. And I wished not for the first time that he had been the one to steal my heart. I sighed; it just wasn't meant to be.

"Thank you for everything Duo. That was liberating," I said softly, snuggling under his chin. His hand ran through my hair.

"No worries. Now go to sleep Queenie; it's gonna be a busy day tomorrow." I nodded, closing my eyes.

Just as I was dozing off, I felt Duo shift a bit and his hand ran through my hair again. "You deserve so much better," he whispered, leaning and placing a chaste kiss to my forehead, "we both do." I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I was too far gone to dwell on it much as I fell into sleep, safe and sound in my best friend's embrace.

"Sleep well Relena. Dreams are the best escape."

TBC....

SOOOOOOO SORRY for the delay... I've been very busy and with four roommates, privacy is hard to come by. I like to write in private, so I haven't had much of a chance to update anything. I am hoping to be able too very soon though. Pray that my internet gets put in my room so that I can lock myself in and write all day. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far and I hope you will continue to do so. I really like feedback. I hope everyone enjoyed this little snippet of Relena's psyche. She's involved in this tangled mess, so I thought it was only fair that she have a chapter or two throughout. Randy may also get one. I haven't decided yet. Let me know what you think. Next chapter will be Heero's reaction to the whole fiasco, meeting Randy and dealing with an assertive Relena.

I hope you all enjoyed it. R&R please and thanks. Ja!

Xander


	8. Entry 7:Like A Thief

**Entry 7: Like a Thief**

**Warnings: Angst, swearing, LEMON, YAOI, OOCNESS, WAFF, prostitution, slight Relena-bashing, possible violence, Heero POV, darkness, violent sex, possible suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, etc...**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. God, I wish I did. 

(Heero)

I hadn't expected him to show up; not looking like he did, and certainly not with_**that **_behind him. I was furious and I couldn't say a thing about it, not until I got him alone and I would without a doubt get him alone. It was inevitable; the possibility of having him so close, but doing nothing was out of the question. I couldn't believe he'd come looking like _**that **_and with someone. I couldn't fathom where he'd found the courage, the sheer audacity to bring another man with him, to actually introduce him as his lover in front of me. He'd obviously known how I'd react, even if I couldn't show it outwardly. He'd known that it would piss me off, had probably only done it to spite me in fact, and that made it all the more infuriating.

I had a very strong urge to wrap my hands around the blond man's neck and squeeze until he turned blue and the colour faded from those smug green eyes. I wanted nothing more than to rip that arrogant little smirk off his fucking face. I'd never had such an overwhelming need to murder someone before, to snuff their life out, especially someone who was more or less undeserving of the murderous intent I felt for him. How dare he touch what belonged to me? How dare he flaunt his ability to have Duo in front of me when I could do nothing to stop him? Didn't he know that Duo was mine?

And the compulsion to reclaim the braided man was tangible. I could feel it crawling over my skin, slithering into my blood and making it race, like venom, poisoning me with the unmistakable desire to carve myself into him. I wanted... I needed to scar him, mark him, claim him as my possession, to literally entrap him and lock him away, forcing myself into him until he was unable to move, to escape me. The impulsion to degrade and monopolize was so incredibly strong that I had to remove myself from the vicinity of the three of them, lest I lose control and act on both urges. It was aching, exhausting to hold myself back.

I fumed alone in my office, breaking things in my rage, crushing the meticulous organization beneath the weight of my anguished ferocity. After I had ruined all of the framed photos in a sea of sparkling shards and all of the things from my desk lay strewn in broken disarray, including the computer, printer, fax, and phone, I sat against the wall, head in my hands, shaking. I rocked back and forth surrounded by the wreckage created by the destruction that was me. Tears came then, unbidden and full of angry bitterness at myself, at my own inadequacy; the inability to express myself without violence.

I punched the wall next to me repeatedly in frustration; I didn't know how many times, but it was enough to leave my knuckles bruised and with sufficient force to tear the flesh open, the wall bearing a bloody wound when I was finished. It wasn't enough... I'd never been so frantic and frenzied in my madness before, never had such an inane drive to inflict pain as deeply and as ruthlessly as possible.

After an amount of time I couldn't recount, when my limbs had become so numb that I could no longer feel the throbbing of my fists and all I could hear was the thunderous rush of my own blood in my ears, I stood, leaving the ruins that had once been my office, my refuge, behind. And I ran, and ran, and ran until my legs ached viciously and couldn't continue on, ending my trek in the courtyard.

With no recollection of how I'd come to be in the pristine elegance of the yard, I returned to the mansion, exhausted, drained and dirty, with more bruises than I had had before Duo and his _**friend**_ had arrived. I went straight to the suite I shared with Relena and stripped out of my sweaty clothing, discarding the articles with no regard for where they landed. I clambered into the shower, turning the water to near scalding, hissing when the steamy water made contact with the ragged flesh of my abused knuckles.

I leaned against the tiles, supporting myself with spread palms, the heated liquid pounding my shoulders and pouring over my chest as I stared at the floor, uncaring of the water running over my cheeks and blurring my vision. My thoughts were no more than a muddled tangle of anger, regret, guilt, and a twisted, dark lust that made me ill. I ran my eyes over my own feet, legs, and caught on the sight of an erection I didn't remember getting.

Not giving it a second thought, I closed the fingers of my left hand around it roughly and stroked furiously, reveling in the tight heat of my own fist, imagining Duo's body instead, his cries, the smell of his skin, sweat and blood. I came with a harsh grunt, semen hitting the wall with a muted splatter and I watched it with a detached kind of fascination as it slid over the tiling down to be swallowed by the ravenous drain.

I clenched my jaw so hard that my teeth ached. I was disgusted... What did that man give Duo that I did not? Was it soft caresses and gentle kisses, whispered desperateness in a dark-lit room, rumpled sheets and admissions of a normal love? A tenderness that I did not possess?

I slammed my fist into the tile wall, reopening the still fresh abrasions on my knuckles as bile rose in my throat. I wasn't able to contain myself as I gagged, heaving as my stomach rebelled raucously at the vulgar imagery my mind supplied. Visions of my own hands slitting that man's throat and using the blood to lubricate my path into Duo's body. I vomited, my own body shaking uncontrollably. What kind of man had such fantasies? The answer, I found, was truly terrifying...

For several more minutes I stood beneath the shower spray, watching the contents previously in my stomach disappearing into the the pipes, gobbled up by the greedy drain. I left the bathroom and dressed, bandaging my hands with a mechanical familiarity before making my way towards the kitchen.

I entered the overly perfect room with it's indecent cleanliness under the intention to get much needed water for my raw throat, only to stumble upon Duo there with Relena, my two lovers. They looked cozy together, the two of them sipping their tea like a pair of lovers having a serene nightcap, as if he belonged there with her as if she had been meant to be at his side and I was the intruder interrupting their midnight tryst. The rage boiled over...

She watched me, eyes accusing and defied me with sharp words on her tongue. I looked at him and I knew... I knew he had given her the tools to defy me, the courage to break the threads of control I'd placed on her. I could feel the glare as I stared at him, resenting him for liberating her from me when he couldn't even release himself from my hold. He couldn't look me in the eye and I knew something had changed. Just like a thief in the night, the thief that was in his nature, he had stolen her, ripped the patch from back and left the flesh raw and bleeding in the open air. And poured salt into the wound...

Didn't he know? Didn't he realize that by doing so, he was leaving himself unguarded, easy prey for the beast that lived inside of me, the one that lusted and hungered to devour his entire existence. I longed to throw him down, tear him apart piece by piece and gorge on the remains until there was nothing left, to swallow him, absorb him into myself so no one would ever be able to take him away from me again. Didn't he know that he was inviting me? Tempting me with his guileless attempts to comfort her in front of me? Did he want to be consumed?

And as they left together, I crumpled to the floor shaking, shivering, unable to breathe as my world shattered, breaking apart around me, the tattered remnants falling like ashes before my eyes, leaving me cold and alone. Somewhere in my mind, a child was crying...

When I opened my eyes again, I noticed that the ground before me was blurred and distorted, and my palms on the cool kitchen tile were wet and throbbing and the quiet wailing had become deafening. I realized that the sound was coming from my own mouth, bitter and crude on my pallet. With unbearable clarity, I knew... I knew that that child was me...

TBC...

Author's Notes: So it's been ages. I know. I was being lazy and a lot of things happened, causing me to lose my motivation. I hope that everyone is happy with this update and there will be more soon. I think there will be maybe ten to twelve more chapter to this depending on how long each one turns out to be. Any feedback will be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.


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